Sigh, I was going to talk about two different plays that I went to watch recently – The Glory of Living and Blood Wedding. In short, both were excellently complex plays, performed by such phenomenol actors. I knew a couple of the cast. They are wonderful role-models whom I look up to to improve my own acting.
I’m more bothered by some other thing. Or many things in fact; so many that I can’t even list them down coherently. I feel like I’m failing in so many things. I can’t feel the fire to study, the passion in all my endeavors. I’m doing fencing, taking music classes, learning Shakespeare – all belonging to my passions – yet I no longer crave these things like I did. Seniors Day went alright, but I feel so empty about it. I was so cold in its execution, and I even made Kenneth a little pissed because I forgot to inform him of the schedule change.
Suddenly I’ve stopped smiling as often as I’d like to; people think I look mean and serious, just like in my pre-Christian days. But have I forgotten God? No, I haven’t. But still, I am reverting to the horrible side of me. Valerie even commented on Seniors Day that it was the first time she saw me smile. It was an exaggeration of course, but it felt like it nailed the bulls-eye in my heart.
Nowadays meals are simple, lonely affairs in the East Quad dining hall. Sometimes I bump into other Asians whom I know, but those are the lucky days. And it’s not that I hate hanging out with Americans. I love them all, and I’d love to talk to them, but it’s my embarrassing shyness that has me eating quietly.
Have I forgotten God and Christ? No, I haven’t. Waking up to hillsongs gives me strength but I know I’m still sorely weak. Is it because I decided to forsake my feelings for kim? I thought that would stop the hurt, but perhaps it’s only pushing me further away from the divine love of God. More and more I can feel the rushes of anger, hatred, contempt and discontent overcoming me. Reminds me of my despicable ways in NS; my pre-Christian days.
I don’t want to go back there, but it seems that I can’t stop myself from being sucked into it.